Dear Canadians,

I’ve been reading a lot lately about how poor your health care system is. It sounds terrible about how long you have to wait for care. Doctors and nurses must be rather incompetent, too, considering how poorly they get paid.

Canada must be a terrible place to live, what with all the dying people in the streets and all that. It’s really sad how your crazy socialist fascist totalitarian European-style government rations care and lets the old and useless people suffer. It’s too bad there isn’t some kind of help for Canadians to get better medical attention. Canadians must be outraged!

It must be hard to find medicine there, too, since there’s no scientific research or any kind of medical advancement there.

Please feel free to come to the United States. It only costs about $9,000 a year here for medical coverage for one person. And then, if you actually get sick, it’s only another $500 deductible and you only pay about 20% of your total bill. I had an MRI last year, and it only cost me $1,500 out of my own pocket! Can you believe the value?

Just be careful to call ahead, get pre-approved for everything (even before you hop in the ambulance!), and make sure your doctor is in the right network (whatever that is!) otherwise you’ll have to pay full price.

Sincerely,

U.S. Citizens against anything Canadian or European-sounding